Igby T. Cat – May 5, 2004 – May 1, 2007

Igby. If you ever met him, you would understand why this hurts so much. Why a man of nearly 23 years will bawl his eyes out, hyperventilate, and nearly break his hand out of frustration and anger over the loss of one small, black, three-legged feline. But Igby was more than just a pet, more than just a cat. He was my best friend. He was the one I could count on being there when no one else was. He always had more than enough love for me. He was my life. If I ever had a real conversation in my life with anybody, I had one including Igby. Yes, I was/am one of those people who can talk forever about their cat. It’s not that I’m a crazy cat person. I just love my cat. He was the cat that everyone would love, even if they absolutely hated cats. He was so personable, so cute, that you could not help but at least admit he was the one exception.

I first saw Igby in early June of 2004. I just moved to Missouri two weeks earlier and was renting an apartment with Zach. I knew long before I signed the lease that I would have a cat. Preferably a black, female cat, since females tend to stay smaller and I didn’t want a big, fat cat. My friend Katie worked at C.A.R.E., which is an animal rescue shelter, and she gave me the inside scoop that they were getting a new litter of kittens in, most likely black kittens. When I went to the shelter, there were three kittens in the cage: a black one with 3 ½ legs, his brother with all legs intact, and a white/calico one. The amputee caught my eye, just cause he was so…odd. I took him out and he was full of energy, jumping, running, playing. I thought he was going to kill himself the way he was jumping into the air and onto the floor three feet below. But I wasn’t sure if a three legged cat was for me. But his brother was just lame. No energy, no excitement, just wanted to sleep. After playing with the three-legged kitty some more I left. I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I knew he was the kitten for me. Two days later I brought him home. He was climbing all over me in the car. He was perfect. Kim came over and we played with the new member of the apartment, the new member of my family.

I think it was a week or two later when I took him to the vet. There was a great dane there, whose mouth was the size of Igby. Igby didn’t like that, even though the dog was really nice. Reina was there with me, and helped Igby calm down. So the doctor did his thing, and we found out Igby had FeLV, or the Feline Leukemia Virus. I was stunned. How could a cat this energetic have the equivalent of AIDS? I thought it was a false positive, so I took him to a different vet, and they had the same results. I was in denial. I knew Igby could overcome it. He was just a carrier. The disease couldn’t affect him. The new vet told me that some cats can live long lives, up to three years once they are diagnosed.

But Igby just kept on going, even after I had to have the half of a leg removed. He was so energetic that he wore through the skin on his stump straight to the bone. He couldn’t keep a stitch, so they said, “We need to take the rest of the leg”. Luckily they could do it for a really good price and the doctors were amazing. So now Igby has overcome two amputations on the same leg, de-clawing all three paws, getting neutered, and refusing to show signs of leukemia. He was a fighter. He was going to show those doctors that if any cat can live a long, normal, healthy life with leukemia, he could. What do those stupid doctors know anyways?

There’s no question that Igby was the center of attention, no matter where he was. And he was mine. Sure he gave attention and love to others. Zach was number two in his life. I’m sure Zach has plenty of Igby stories. When I was at class or at work, Igby was Zach’s. But as soon as I opened the front door, Igby ran to me, followed me to my room, and was my cat. He knew it. But I never tried to keep him all to myself. A cat like this has to be shared and appreciated by everyone possible. If you couldn’t appreciate my cat, you couldn’t appreciate me. Igby defined who I was.

After a year and a half in Missouri, it was time to graduate college. I wasn’t sure where I was gonna go. All I knew is that Igby would be there. No matter what I did, where I went, who I was with, Igby was always part of it. He was my furry, little son. I took care of him. I loved him. I even had to wipe his ass once or twice.

It ended up that I was to return to Buffalo and move in with my parents. Igby was so playful. Too playful for my parent’s cat, Shayna. Igby and Shayna met the year before at Christmas. But Moses was alive then, too. That meant that Igby had two cats to divide his attention, even though they would rather sleep. But that didn’t stop him from playing with them. One day, Moses was sound asleep under the dining room table. I was watching Igby crawl up to Moses, ever so silently, then jump straight up, landing on Moses’ stomach, and jumping off and running away. That scared the crap out of Moses, but he was too slow to do anything. I just about died laughing.

But when I officially moved home, it was just Shayna and Igby. And Igby still played too much for her. How could a cat with this much life and energy have leukemia?? When I finally moved out in November, Shayna was happy, and she stopped peeing on things out of anger. Igby was a bit sad, cause he didn’t have as much attention anymore. At this point, I was unemployed, but still living with Igby in my own apartment. But that’s when Jodi moved back home and had a friend for Igby. Her cat, Toby, was exactly what Igby needed. They played and fought and slept together. They were brothers from another mother. The perfect pair. Unfortunately, Toby could not stay at my place all of the time, but he was happy when he was there. And so was Igby.

I still swore that Igby did not have leukemia, and that the Missouri vets messed up the test. As soon as I had money, I would get him tested again. But that never happened. Igby got more and more cuddly. If I touched him, he would start purring. I dance with him to M. Ward. He loved it. I just thought that he was a bit lonely cause I was hardly at home. Then, Monday, April 30th, I played with him for the last time. I even picked him up and looked at him, thinking his face was a bit thin. I asked him if he was all right, and he just purred. I thought I would take him to the vet as soon as I could. I left and went to Jodi’s, where I eventually fell asleep. I told schools that I couldn’t substitute teach on Tuesday or Wednesday, cause I had to work on a presentation and study for an exam. As soon as I woke up at Jodi’s on Tuesday, I told myself I had to get home to see Igby. We would go out on the porch and finish my presentation. We would take a nap together. We would dance. But that never happened.

When I usually got home to my apartment, but the time I closed the outside door, I could hear Igby running to the inside door, crying, wanting to see me. But that didn’t happen this time. I thought it was odd but told myself he was just in a deep sleep. I came inside, and saw him on the couch. He was sort of in an odd position, but I’ve seen him sleep like that before. But there was no movement. He didn’t flinch when I set my keys down loud enough to elicit a response. His belly wasn’t moving. I ran to him and touched him. It wasn’t Igby. It couldn’t be him. My cat has life. My cat greets me at the door. My cat purrs. My cat breathes.

After much weeping, wailing, hyperventilating, punching of doors, drunken grievings, and just crying, Igby was buried in my parent’s backyard. He died May 1st, just four days before his third birthday. Jodi and I were going to have a party for him, with hats and everything. I can’t express how much I will miss him. He was perfect, maybe a little too bitey. But he was handsome and dignified. He could have been a show-cat if he had all four extremities. But he was my best friend. The only constant in my life since I started living on my own. The only one who would never walk away from me. He was the only son I ever wanted. I knew that as long as I had Igby, I would be okay. No matter how long I was unemployed, no matter how many fights I would have with Jodi, no matter what happened, Igby could make me feel better. I needed him as much as he needed me.

Igby, you will be missed. You were my Igby, my Iglet, my Igbatious, my Iggles-bee-tuna, my Igg, my thumper, my hop-along, my Igger, my Iggster, my buddy-buddy, my bub, my kitty-kitty. My best friend and my inspiration. My Igby T. Cat.

Please leave any stories you have about Igby, or just general comments you may have. This is the last blog I will write here. He was my inspiration for so many things, and this blog was one of them.

I love you Igby. I will always miss you and never forget you.

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bob dylan can ease the pain in your neck, too.

wow. it has been a really long time since i wrote in this thing. so some updates: i moved, got mono, moved jodi, had the holidays, steadily became poorer, and now here i am. i finally got paid today for substitute teaching. yeah. it took many months to get paid for that first time subbing in october. thats a bunch of crap. but i am subbing more frequently, though hating the school a bit more each time.

igby is still fuzzy and so am i. i guess thats it for now. or ever. i dont really know. i just want the new season of avatar to start right this second and never stop.

someone stepped on my trumpet.

tomorrow is moving day. or maybe wednesday is. im not really sure. all i know is that ill have gas on wednesday and electricity on thursday. oh, and a new apartment. hooray for spending money with virtually no income. no income because i quit the paint store. im done with that shit. but i will keep the golden brush and chain i received at my farewell bash. they should have given it to me when i was drunk rather than before. maybe i would have worn it then. but probably not. i manage to stay quite aware of things while inebriated.

wanna hear something really stupid? i mowed the lawn on friday. and exactly two weeks prior we had 2 feet of snow...thousands of trees destroyed...massive power outages...no water...and several people dead. what are you doing, buffalo? are you going crazy? i know i feel like i am sometimes.

i had my first real substitute teaching experience last week, and let me tell you that it was the worst experience i have had yet in education. i subbed for a teacher that quit cause his classes were so bad, and the new teacher wasnt going to start till today. so i had the top three most badly behaved classes in the buffalo academy of science charter school. it made me ask myself "why do i want to teach math? what is the point of teaching kids math?" and i have yet to supply myself with an answer. thank you buffalo public schools. you never cease to amaze me. but at least i got $80.

jodi's coming home soon. and that makes me really happy. although, i might miss the 467 mile drive to salem, ma that i've made four times since labor day weekend. but maybe not. i definitally wont miss massachusettes drivers. they are the worst.

this blog entry is brought to you by apple computers. well, by my apple laptop. i love it so much. i just dont like my credit card bill. at all.

snakes on a plane!!

yeah. i saw it. thursday night at the drive-in. well, i kinda saw it. jodi and i wanted to see it on the proper screen, but the descent was first, which we already saw, and kevin didn't want to see either. so we went to the screen showing pirates 2 and over the hedge. pirates was really long, and afterwards, we tuned the radio to snakes on a plane and saw most of it. kinda. from what i saw, it was entertaining and really stupid, but that's exactly what i expected.

and clifton hill was fun. tonight will be fun, too, but tomorrow will be sad. stupid colleges in boston. stupid long distance. grrrrr. i think i will be going to new england a few times this year, if allah permits.

and i just put in a new stereo in my new-ish passat. i love my grandma. and alpine cd receivers.

we'll ride across the country in boxcars and on trailer-beds.

lately, all i can think about is hawaii. mainly because i found out they are almost always looking for math teachers on the islands and i thought that they should look no further than me. so i applied for a teaching position in hawaii. if i get it, i hope the islands allow a lukemic cat. they should. he's like my son. my furry, three-legged son. with a really long tail.

saturday night i went to a bachelor party for a salesman at work. there were no strippers, but there was an open bar. which made the conversations throughout the night very interesting and amusing. at one point i was discussing mathematics and sociology with a guy who is a contractor but also holds a ph.d. in sociology. then the same guy was discussing theology and sociology and literature with nick and me, and while we were talking (and arguing; the guy was too drunk to listen, and we were a little too soused not to let it go) this kid zack came over and lit some farts on fire. then our discussion continued. it's like polar opposites of an inebriated evening. i dunno. i think zack would have done that sober, though. he's a moron.

i can't wait for chicago this weekend. pitchfork is gonna be totally groovy. after that, i have a show with my friend brian wheat which will kick some major ass. not too mention the bands that are coming to town soon (black heart procession, the violent femmes, silver mt. zion, do make say think, xiu xiu, etc.). but i won't mention them.

manual labor or rocket science?

i choose rocket science over moving ten yards of dirt 100 feet.

i've been debating about getting a new tv. best buy has this deal to get the tv i want, xbox 360, extra controller, and a game for $1000. i was thinking i could do that and then sell the xbox stuff. then the $800 tv would only have cost me about $450 or so. i think thats a deal. especially if the tv works the way it should.

i listened to the postal service on accident today. it was the first time in about 2 years. and i still don't like ben gibbard's voice. so sorry.

i'm really looking foreward to pitchfork fest. i need to buy my train tickets soon. and also find somewhere to stay. well, at least solidify a place to stay. hopefully zach can make it.

i watched 'land of the dead' and it was very dissapointing. i thought i heard that it was scary, but it wasn't. the gore didn't even get to me. pity. it could have been done a bit better.

today i will avoid my usual complaints about my job and living situation. i'm not even gonna complain about the sabre's losing game 7 and not making it to the finals. i just don't care that much about it. so, i leave you with this: never get into a fight with a panda bear. it's just not a smart thing to do.

i used to feel like california...now i feel like carolina.

i don't like selling paint. i don't like stocking it, shipping it, receiving it, nor mixing it either. i need a real job. i'm not so sure about the teaching thing anymore. i dunno exactly why, but it has lost a lot of it's appeal. probably because every high school kid i see i do not care about and they are annoying. i ask myself if i really want to surround myself with those kids for such a prolonged period of time. my initial answer is no, cause they piss me off. i dont know what to do anymore. winning a large sum of money would fix this problem realy quickly, but i am such a bad lotto player. i never win.

tomorrow night i play broadway joe's for the third time in three months. i think i am beginning to become a regular.

i think i have outgrown south park. i still think it's funny, but it seems to have lost some of its appeal. and now i think that isaac hayes is an idiot. he got all pissed cause south park made fun of scientologists and left the show. said he couldn't take it anymore, the way south park dealt with religion. matt stone said hayes never voiced any concerns or had problems with them making fun of christians. just scientologists. stupid chef. i guess they killed him off. too bad.

i'm gonna sleep now cause i am tired. and i lied last night. i was sleeping. i think i was just getting to sleep when the phone rang. despite my incoherence, i still told kim she did not wake me. but she did. and i dont care. it was nice talking to kim. it should happen more often. i think i might visit springfield in may. i should decide that soon.

bet a hundred...put your money where your mouth is.

happy "harry potter and the goblet of fire" on dvd day.

that's just plain stoopid.

i won $40 in poker last night. well, i actually won $35 since it was a $5 buy-in. so i should be happy, right?

wrong-o.

i just noticed that damien jurado is playing in springfield with rocky votolato the same week that denison witmer is playing in springfield. i mean, what the hell? why don't they come to buffalo? half of me is telling myself to visit springfield that week and see two of my favorite artists perform. i mean, it is my spring break, so i wouldn't have to skip classes. i'd just have to skip work. i dunno if they would like me leaving for a week. especially since i was half-planning on visiting mozizzle once zach was back from england, assuming he would stop in springfield for a bit. if i had won the lottery, this would not be a problem. i could do whatever i bloody-well wanted to do. including buying $50,000 worth of bubble gum and attempting to chew it all in one day while simultaneously forming the world's largest wad of gum from one person. now that would be sweet.

i took a three-hour, 91-question math test yesterday and got a headache. hopefully i got a passing grade as well.

can i borrow a feeling?

or maybe a dollar? i dunno. i was just thinking of when milhouse's parents split up and his dad wrote a song called 'can i borrow a feeling?' or something along those lines. i don't really need a feeling. i am feeling quite enough right now.

so much has happened lately. let's see...i started working at ye ol' paint store again (that's schuele paint co. where i worked for two summers), i started grad school, and have spent a lot more money than i should have.

first: paint store. like i said, i worked there for two summers a few years back. now i am right back in the saddle, so to speak, being fulltime warehouse boy for $10/hr. but now i prolly will have to learn stuff about painting and be able to give people advice and direction which i don't want to do cause i could care less. and my back is sore from lifting so much paint. that's where i have too many feelings: in my back.

second: grad school. it sucks. i hate my seminar class and i couldn't care less about number theory. the people are mostly annoying and professors are weird. however, it is not evangel. that is a good thing.

third: money spending. i bought a suit and shoes and shirt and tie for future potential interviews, which cost me about $600 or so. my parents said that they would help out since they didn't get me a graduation gift. that was nice of them. i also bought some real clothes today since this is tax-free week and stuff was stupid cheap. i bought two kick-ass sweaters from jcpenney for $15 when normally they are $40 each. yeah: totally bitchin'.

i have three concerts coming up and i want people to go to all of them, but i don't think my friends wiil want to go to all of them. prolly just the one that is the cheapest and also not at a bar. i don't really blame them.

and for those of you who are wondering: igby misses you too and is doing just fine. he likes his new game of 'chasetheothercataroundthehouseallofthetimeeventhoughshehates-himandhissesandspitsandgrowlsandrunsaway'. it's a good game to watch and scary to listen to.

now is when i say goodnight. i need to wake up early to be in downtown by 7:30am. stupid working and needing money. i can't wait until i retire. until then, i can't wait until i move out. should be any day now...

...

i miss kim, zach, and james.

your teeth taste faintly of flesh and gold.

listen. i know i said that i would stop, and i did. it's just now that i actually have internet again, i felt like starting again. but i will buy cds still. don't worry. my latest acquisition (or at least my favorite one) is 'jenny lewis with the watson twins'. it is great. i love jenny lewis. and i will buy the cd ('rabbit fur coat') once it comes out on the 24th. but i had to since i love this woman's music. one song, and i guess it is a cover, had matt ward, conner oberst, and ben gibbard doing some harmonizing and stuff. sounds good other than gibbard. if i can find fault in ms. lewis, it is that she likes singing with mr. gibbard. but i guess that can be forgiven.

i also noticed that they (i don't know who 'they' are, but it was them nevertheless) decided to release the seu jorge studio recordings for life aquatic. i think he may be why i like that movie more than others do. and now i have the 14 songs he recorded for the movie. yet another product of downloading. shut up.

earlier this week, my blinkers on my car stopped blinking. they just stayed on. so i had to blink them by hand which was irksome, and i recieved much flack from rachel, but it was all in good fun. yesterday i went out and bought a new flasher relay in hopes of putting it in and having turn signals that worked properly. after ripping apart my dashboard, i was barely able to get near the right component, but nevertheless succeeded in replacing the flasher relay. now my blinkers work. and better still: they blink at a normal rate and very quietly. i am so very excited over this. ever since i have had this car (4 or 5 years now) i always hated my blinkers and would complain about them with whoever was in the car with me. but now, it's like i have a whole new car, except for it has the same ugly-ass color with scrapes on the bumper from where a car and a telephone pole hit me and lots of dust on the dashboard. i want to go out driving and make lots of turns so i can use my blinkers. i love it. i absofreakenlutely love it.

this is my last weekend before school starts, and it is about time. i also need a job, but do not want to go back to the paint store. hopefully someone will call me back. oh, and i got my diploma from evangel today. i think schools should frame the things for you, especially if it cost you $55,000+ or whatever to get it. i'm glad they remembered the magna cum laude, though. that's all i cared about last semester.

harry potter 4 on dvd march 7th. and a-team season 3 on dvd january 31st.

my beard should be thicker.

yesterday i saw a movie. i know. that's crazy. honestly, i wasn't too thrilled when i knew i gonna go, but it was virtually free. see, jessie had a gift card to regal, so she invited me to go see a movie with her. she wanted to see 'memoirs of a geisha'. i said 'sure. why not?' i'll tell you why not: cause it is nearly impossible to watch a movie that is so intent on depicting a side of japenese culture that is usually hidden (or at least not prominent), but the whole thing is done in english. i knew that going into it, which is why i didn't really want to see it too much. i was pissed off the whole time because they could have spoken in japanese or any other language not english and it would have made the movie almost good. i found myself disinterested with the plot. i didn't care about the geisha girl. as far as i am concerned, the movie was comparable to 'pretty woman' (even though i never saw it) in terms of the prostitute-type girl falling in love with a client-type person and vice-versa. in all, i would not watch it again, even if they refilmed it in japanese. maybe they thought it too difficult to have all the chinese actors and actresses speak japanese, so they settled on english. i'm sorry, but that made the story even less believable. poo on you.

after coming back to my (parent's) house, i needed to watch something interesting. i bought 'the united states of leland' a while ago at hollywood video since it was cheap. i watched it. i think it was really good. very depressing and lots of interesting views on life and excuses for doing the stuff we do and whatnot. i enjoyed it, but it left me with a similar feeling that i had after watching 'donnie darko'. i think the key word is depression. i felt depressed. it was a combination of the story with the powerful, yet subtle, soundtrack. i guess jeremy enigk wrote the majority of the songs and scores in 'leland' and they are quite good. i'm just mad that they never released the soundtrack anywhere. there were many good artists throughout the movie. poo on you for no released soundtrack, but props for making a good movie. have a candy cane. they are cheap now.

i've written two more songs since i have been home, and i am quite proud of them. i know you were interested in that. that's why i told you.

it's a little too melty here.

aloha. i wanted to get this out of the way before tomorrow's festivities. i just want to wish everyone a very safe, fun, and joyous (and also early) boxing day. aloha.

i'm sorry, but mr. west is gone.

huzzah for winter. huzzah for snow. huzzah for never living in missouri again. that's right. i have arrived in western new york. i've been here since the 17th. now my goal is to trade this house for an apartment in the city. then i will be truly glad i am here. however, i did feel sad leaving springfield. i almost shed some tears. i was quite close when i said goodbye to kim, and then again when i said goodbye to zach. i was quite happy to leave park place north apartments, though. those assholes tried to tell me that they would take money out of our deposit to repaint and have someone clean the oven. so i threw the "that's against missouri state law" in their faces. if they keep a penny, zach and i are gonna jump their asses. better recognize.

i suppose i am now a college graduate, since i graduated college and all. according to my grades on-line, i had a 4.0 this semester. yeah. that's all a's with no a-minuses or b-pluses. i think that means i graduate magna cum laude. sweet action.

then i also saw iron & wine and calexico in st. louis. harry, jessie, and ashley came too. actually, harry drove, which was so awesome of him, and then we met james. after some really good thai pizza, it was off to mississippi nights. calexico was great and iron & wine was absolutely fantabulous. best overall concert of the year that i went to, hands down. it was all great except for the kid singing along with sam beam. the kid could not sing a note so, when i could hear him, it was like jabbing a cork-screw into my ears and turning it very slowly. i was about to say something to him, but he stopped. i was there to hear sam beam sing his songs, not some tone-deaf kid "singing" sam beam's songs. no one should sing out loud with the person/group on stage unless invited to by the artist. lip-synching is fine, but don't let any sound escape your mouth. or i'll bust a cap in you.

i now have a myspace site (www.myspace.com/urimandthummim) for my music. i'm gonna try to play around the wny area. hopefully it goes well. and thus, i leave you cause i need to wrap christmas presents. happy chrismahanakwanzika. salud.

"he had waited his whole life for a mustache like this...

a mustache that, in the end, did not provide a single movie showtime or location." i just wanted to thank millie for sending me a postcard with this written on the front. she sent it to me about a year ago, and it still adorns my wall to this day. thank you millie. you are a good friend. here's a sticker.

i think there are only five or so days left of each class i am taking. that is awesome, in case you didn't know. in less than four weeks from right now i will be in buffalonia. i know its only buffalo, not toronto or chicago, but it is not missouri. for that reason alone there is cause for celebration and rejoicing. no more sprinfield, mo. at work the other day, this guy asked my why i don't bowl any leagues. i responded with what a waste of my time and money it would be, plus i would not be in springfield for the entire season cause of moving to new york. he was really happy for me and really jealous. he hates it here. he said he has been here for about six years and wants to "get the hell out". i know the feeling. i've been here three and a half years and am itching to escape. though a big part of that is due to my school.

i played guitar at the potter's house on saturday, and no, it was not harry potter's house. which reminds me of something so much more interesting: HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FREAKING FIRE!!! yeah, that's right, i saw it. at midnight-oh-one thursday night/friday morning. it was awesome. i feel so proud to have contributed to the $101.4 million it took in for the opening weekend. they really could not have done the movie better. yet i still like the third one more, but that's just cause i like that book better. but now i must wait an eternity for the next installment of harry potter. no book or movie until, at the earliest, 2007. time to re-read and re-watch everything.

i've noticed that i developed a habit of starting most of my paragraphs in this ickle-blog-thingy with "so" far too many times (but not in this here entry, no sir). go ahead and scroll down. too many so's. for that, i apologize. i will try my best to not let it happen again.

igby smells nice and feels soft. come feel his softness. come inhale his scent. you won't regret it. well, unless he bites you. he likes to bite.

nothing livens up a robotic hymn of doom better than an amazing pair of jugs.

well, maybe some things could liven up a robotic hymn of doom better than jugs. for example, how about punch and pie? there would be more people around if there were punch and pie. of course, there might be more people if there were an amazing pair of jugs. i dunno. i guess it all depends on your definition of "an amazing pair of jugs". it also depends on who is singing the robotic hymn of doom. if it is benjamin gibbard, i won't be there. if it's sam beam, i'm there already, no matter if there are jugs or punch and pie or complementary shin guards. sam beam kicks ass. and that's all there is to it.

speaking of sam beam, iron & wine and calexico are playing in saint louis in december. i am very tempted to go. i think i will, at least if i can get someone else to make the trip with me, thus lessening the gas cost from my back, especially since i will be driving to buffalo four days after the concert. going to saint louis would also give me a last chance to say "fare-thee-well" to james. plus, it's iron & wine and calexico. probably the best show of the year that i would have gone to. we will see, but i probably should decide soon since the concert will probably be sold out. stupid garden state using iron & wine. stupid stupid jerksssssss.

i registered for classes today. i can take a whopping 6 credits. that's right: 2 classes. number theory and seminar in teaching math. i am gonna have a lot of time on my hands, especially since there are no g.a. or t.a. positions open. i don't really want to sub, but it will be a good resume builder. if i can't (or don't) find a job, i've been toying with the idea of just taking out a loan to escape my parent's roof. but then i think that loan would do better for a new car in the future. i dunno.

some good news that i am certain about: i was finally able to get a new phone for virtually free ($50 with a $50 mail-in rebate). stupid t-mobile made me wait about three weeks to get it. it seems like the phone i wanted was only free after i had my bill for about three days, then they make their nicer phones cheaper to sucker me into extending my contract and getting a new phone. well, it worked. i'm just pissed that it didn't happen a couple months ago. whatever. crappy cell phones.

i got the new sun kil moon cd "tiny cities" and it's really good. granted, it's a cover cd. mark kozelek decided to make a cd all of modest mouse covers. i like modest mouse and i really like the way mark remade their songs. quite interesting and a little bit easier to listen to. and by "a little bit" i mean "a lot".

salud.

grandma, what big teeth you have...

so if you can't tell the difference between your grandmother and a huge wolf, you deserve to be devoured alive. stupid little red riding hood. unless, of course, your grandmother had a really furry face with a long snout, and acted all wolf-like. but if not, then you are a moron and don't deserve to see your real grandmother ever again. eat up, wolfie, eat up. the meat is fresh, young, and tender. but be careful: its full of stupid, which may or may not be contagious.

midterms are over. i feel like collge should be over, too. i'm just sick of it. im sick of being in the midwest. the other day at work i had my sexuality questioned because i never wanted to own a pickup truck. i guess not wanting a large machine that has the potential to haul a lot of manure while simultaneously gulping down gasoline like it hasn't drank in a month and polluting the good nature around us means that i am not a real man. cause homosexuals are not real men. just like george bush is not a real president: they both have the title but do not deserve it.

if you can't catch the sarcasm, please note that there was a lot of sarcasm. maybe i shouldn't have used such a good comparison to the w, but i do not believe that homosexuals are not "real men". i don't even know what being a real man means. however, if you think you are the paradigmatic real man, then show me how to drink from a straw while being manly. just try it. i almost have it figured out, but it gets messy.

so i am doing a math presentation next week about tic-tac-toe. there's more to it than the tradional game of 'three in a row' because it involves affine planes and crap like that. only math geeks like me and james can truly understand and show even a hint of interest, so i don't expect anyone to want to know more about tic-tac-toe on the affine plane π4.

so the days are getting colder, my hair is getting longer, and i feel like i am getting dumber. it's been hard for me to speak coherently lately, or even intelligently. i almost have a bachelor's degree and i feel dumber than i did a year ago. maybe i would be smarter if i actually was learning thermodynamics rather than just doing the homework with the solutions manual open next to me. or maybe my brains will come back once i leave here and start grad school at buffalo state college. suny schools are better than missouri christian ones anyway. except that buffalo does not have the thai house or the gem of india, both of which i have grown to love these past few years. amen.

and i mostly believed her and she mostly believed me.

time to cross some things off of my to-do list:
1. complete graduation papers
2. turn in completed graduation papers
3. get a haircut
4. teach igby to tap-dance (in progress. though, he is quite a good ballroom dancist.)
5. send out grad-school application
6. spend too much money on a new guitar
7. study for linear algebra quizzes

i am so close to leaving the financial aid office i can taste it, and it tastes better than bacon flavored jelly beans. this weekend i am going to visit the corn mazes for the first time. should be exciting. but i am never going to go to branson. i refuse. i take pride in the fact that i can be in southern missouri for 4 years and never step foot inside the city limits of branson. i don't care if there are cool bathrooms there, nor do i care if there is all you can eat crab leg's. its still branson, missouri. i don't need to be exposed to that sort of abhorration of nature.

too much music and so little time...

so here i am, sitting at my computer, typing, typing, typing while listening to some tunes on new headphones. but i should be at my computer typing my homework instead of writing in this stupid thing. i just dont feel like doing homework since its not due till 12pm on wednesday. the only problem is that i go to class all day tomorrow, work from 5-midnight, and then have to work in the financial aid department wednesday morning. so i pretty much have to do my homework now. i will be so happy once i can quit the financial aid office (probably this week or next). i would love to quit the bowling alley but i like free bowling and a check every 2 weeks.

everyone will be happy to hear that i ended my corrupt habit of downloading music, but not before i got a bunch of modest mouse and miles davis. but i deleted the program and i have been clean for a whole day now. i need to tell zach to keep an eye on me and intervene in case i start rushing in the next few days and need a hit of new downloads. while getting this free music, i have also been buying a lot. like the new iron & wine/calexico collaberation "in the reins" which is phenomenal. i also got mogwai, red house painters, the album leaf, belle and sebastian, and pre-ordered the new my morning jacket. fun fun fun. so glad i have my mp3 player and good headphones to enjoy the tunes.

i might buy a new guitar. i feel like spending money. i increased my school loan today so i buy something expensive. my list of options are: 1. a bike (almost completely ruled out, though). 2. new guitar (most likely). 3. a laptop (i don't really need one, but it would be nice and come in handy). i guess i could save all this money, too, and possibly move out of my parents' house sooner than if i spent the money. these choices weigh too heavily on my mind. if i could just win the lottery then such decisions would not need to be considered. but even if i had several million dollars, i still could not buy a cure for feline lukemia. nor could i buy myself and ankle that doesn't pop with each step i take when i run. stupid ankle. but i could buy enough orange-strawberry-banana twister and apricot nectar to last a lifetime. that would be euphoric.

i think i spend too much time dreaming about having money. i think i spend too much time not doing my homework.

saeglopur is my favorite.

so i got the new sigur rós album on friday (or saturday, i don't remember). anyhoo, it's really good. track six (saeglopur) is my favorite off the album as of right now. it's definitally a sigur rós album: beautiful, serene yet intense, and almost ethereal. i think that jónsi is actually singing in icelandic again, as opposed to the hopelandic vocals on the () album and olsen olsen from ágætis byrjun. not that it matters very much. i can't hear the difference between icelandic and icelandic gibberish, anyway.

i cut my head open today. actually, i had some guy in a lab coat cut my head open. four times, to be exact. then he sewed it shut with long, blue sutures that i am still confusing for stiff hair. so now my head hurts. i had four (4) cysts removed from my scalp starting around 11am today. it might have been sooner but some stupid receptionist told me that the office was at cox north, but really it was nearer to cox south. i can't exactly just run over to the other building and still be on time for my appointment. i had to drive several miles to the other side of town. that made for a fun morning even before the local anesthetic that didn't completely do it's job was injected into my body. but now my scalp is cyst-less and i am just sitting at home, not preparing for math seminar tomorrow. why do i need to know about generating a basis for a topology anyway? i don't want to get a ph.d. in math. i just want my masters in math ed so i can teach in new york. silly doctor tosh. silly little canadian.

and don't worry. i'm still procrastinating my thermodynamics as well. and graduation papers. and other things that need to be sorted out once the pain in my scalp dissapears, hopefully by the end of this weekend. hopefully sooner. hopefully.

so tegan and sara are playing in columbia on oct. 11th and i want to go. i would love to listen to two canadian girls singing into the midwestern air and give me some sense of hope that i, too, can visit missouri for a little bit and then speed on out of here.

mother, oh mother...go dig my grave both wide and deep

i'm told that all the finest women come from africa. chris bridges told me that. well, he didn't tell me personally, but nevertheless i found it out from him. i don't know if they have to be directly from africa or if they can be descendants of africans. i'll have to call up chris and ask him to clarify his statement for me so i can determine it's validity.

do you ever get the feeling that you are anxious for something, but have no idea why? or that you feel the need to tell people something but don't really know what it is? i kinda feel that way. i've got too many thoughts floating around my head and too many things i am feeling all at once that i don't really know what is going on. but if it continues you will be able to finally see a person become soup while walking down the sidewalk. or maybe you will just be able to see pictures of it. either way, it will be exciting and worth a glance or two.

i want a bicycle. zach bought one and i think i should get one, too, but not just because zack got one. it would be a good way to stay in shape and stuff. the only problem is that the kind of bike i want can end up being a bit pricey. i just don't like mountain bikes, and i can't really justify buying a new road bike. maybe i will just say "screw you, bank account! i'm getting a decent bike! suck on that, monthly balance statement!" yeah, i feel like saying that to a lot of things, but only replacing key words with other ones, like 'bank account' with 'evangel', or 'decent bike' with 'manicure', or 'monthly balance statement' with 'coldplay'.

i think the folk tunes are calling my name. excuse me while i enjoy the soothing melodies that a guitar and mandolin can exude.

pearl harbor sucked and i miss you.

i'm a sinner. i'm either going to hell or going to jail. i already told zach this exact same thing. i am now guilty of first-degree downloading. i know, i know...i couldn't help myself. but now i have 2 ludacris albums, the team america soundtrack, and a bunch of ella fitzgerald. i dont mind downloading stuff put out by people who are either too rich for their own good or dead. but i am not addicted. i can stop whenever i want to. i just don't want to right now.

school starts in 2 days. life begins in 4 months. lunch is over in 23 minutes. appleseed cast is playing tonight around 10. i think thats when i will show my beautiful face at the outland. i just do not want to be tortured by crappy local bands that are full of themselves. and i have no burning desire to see an ex-cursive member's band.

i bought the new black rebel motorcycle club on sunday. it's quite good. it's quite different. it's not quite rock and roll, yet it is still rockin, only with an acoustic guitar the majority of the time. i enjoy it a lot. there is a lot more folk and country influence in it, but it is in a good way. i wouldn't recommend it if you want to listen to it while you ride your hog with your leather jacket, aviator glasses, and bandana on, giving the bird to every piece of bacon you speed by. but you should check it out anyway.

there's a sale on freedom. it was $1.05. now it's $0.98. go stock up while supplies last.

hold on, magnolia, i know what a true friend you've been.

home, sweet home. well, back to my domicile in missouri. i refuse to accept this strange land as my home. i dont believe that i have a real home anywhere right now. people say that home is where the heart is, but my heart is not attached to any specific residence at the moment. true, i do desire to live in canada, but there is no specific place there, no building, no city that i have spent a lot of time in to justify it as my home. i do have the house i grew up in back in new york, but i have, whether consciously or sub-consciously, estranged myself from that house. and i will never call myself a missourian. i think i would throw up until i died if i ever claimed that, even if it meant living in denial. so, i have no true home. but i plan on making either chicago, ontario, or another part of western new york my home in these coming months. either way, i should have friends nearby.

which brings me to the topic at hand: friends. i like friends. i like having friends. i like it when people consider me to be a friend. as mentioned in my last post, i told my readers that i was driving home for a funeral, to be with friends, etc. and i did that. i saw many people i haven't seen in quite some time, years in some cases. it was good to see them all, except for the circumstances that brought us together again. through this situation, i learned that i need to be a good friend to those close to me and keep them close, even if we are (hundreds of) miles apart. and that one friend i almost crossed off my list (see july 11 post), i know now not to discount her, and i am sorry for any thoughts of doing so. i just didn't understand the surrounding circumstances.

i also learned some other things while in the empire state. while making the first half of my 2000+ mile round trip drive, i was wondering if i was doing the right thing, if it was worth the trip. it was worth the trip and so much more. i would do it again if i had to. i think that through this whole ordeal i have found a piece of faith that i had lost or forgotten about. it is making me re-evaluate some values and beliefs, and also made me realize that i have been too cynical about some things. in a nutshell, it was a growing experiece. in a turtle-shell, it might have been a learning experience. but no matter what shell you put on it, it was a good experience.

south park season six is scheduled for release on october 11th, for those who care. i care. i care a lot.

too much driving when gas prices are so freaking high.

this must be the summer of travel. it is for me, at least. i flew to new york in june, drove to chicago in july, drove to texas this past weekend, and now i am going to drive to new york this thursday. this last trip was unexpected and not planned for. sadly, it is for a funeral of a friend from my old church in buffalo. she was only 19. she fell from a cliff in zoar valley, a fall of over 50 feet. by the time she was able to be moved, she had already died. david called me last night while i was at work to let me know what happened. i didn't cry till i told my dad that i was driving home because lauren had died. i don't really understand why i feel so affected by this. i mean, i knew her and i would consider her a friend, though we were never close, but i feel really shook up over this, literally. whenever i think of it or have to tell someone why i am driving to new york and back in 4 days, i start to shake a bit. maybe its cause this is the first real death of a peer, someone i once called a friend. maybe it's because i know how much more my other, closer friends will hurt. i think that may be why i feel the strong need to drive home, so i can comfort those i love and cry with them. my dad doesn't think its a good idea that i should drive home, but he doesn't ever think that what i want to do is a good idea. i just feel that it's the right thing for me to come home and be with old friends. a note to the family just won't cut it, cause i hardly know them at all, and i would be very surprised if they remembered me.

i hope igbatious, simone, and widgimon will be okay for a couple days. it seems like they are becoming friends. huzzah for 4-day, 2000 mile trips and leaving cats in my apartment by themselves. maybe john or lindsey can check up on the li'l guys.